Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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