I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
