our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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