I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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