Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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