I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
