her vagine was all disorganized.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
