Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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