Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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