fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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