dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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