bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No subtext here. People are naked.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
