Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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