Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
