I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
