how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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