Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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