i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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