I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
