Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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