My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
