I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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