you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
