I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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