just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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