Moan for me like Helen Keller
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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