btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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