Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
