Walk of Shame. In a state park.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
