Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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