So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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