My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
