No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize