ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
id be glad to
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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