dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
