I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
