my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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