He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
