Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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