i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
