every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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