All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize