I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
