I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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