just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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