I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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