he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize