She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I supernannyed him into submission
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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