I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
