remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
