I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
