he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's blow job season.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
