Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
