I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
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