Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
