about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
