my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I love you. Go after that dick
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
