the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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