can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize