i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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